Nov 162018
Why Are We Scared To Commit?

Achieving even the simplest of goals require us to commit and for some of us it can be a scary thing to do. throughout our lives, we learn about commitment, whether it is personal or as a goal. Either way, for some reason it can be seen as a sabotage.

Fear can do some really funny things in the realm of commitments. Some of us take the plunge, and a few of us, a step back.

Our subconscious mind creates a thin wall of protection every time we come in direct contact with a commitment. It just a tactic that our mind creates to avoid rejection. Many of the modern attitudes towards commitment have changed over a period of time. Younger men and women are increasingly postponing or avoiding marriages. This scenario isn’t just common in today’s’ world but more frightening.

Psychologists have administered that commitment comes over a scale of different extents. Commitment-phobia isn’t an innate behavior, it is the behavior of securing a bond.

Usually, it is a learned behavior where you pick it up through past experiences with parents or during teenage years. Adults who have had detached parents tend to grow up and exhibit the same kind of behavior to the people around them. A façade is created making it difficult to penetrate through.

And of course, a commitment phobia can also strike if you’ve been hurt by your friends or partners. If trust is broken during any of these two stages and detachment comes in play, it can impact a person’s ability to trust again.

But apart from just the two mentioned above, low self-esteem or self-worth can also hinder the fear of commitment among people. A traumatic incident may foster to the fear of commitment. And although it isn’t gender-specific, both male and female have different coping mechanisms to it.

Several studies show that men tend to be more commitment-phobic than women. They are more likely to develop avoidant attachment styles while women have a more secure attachment style.

Apart from these, there are plenty of other reasons that holds someone back from entirely committing.

1. They’re focused on their own priorities

Priorities differs for everyone. Be it career, hobbies or love, they all come differently for each of us. Most of the time, people don’t want to put in the extra time and effort into a relationship they fear may not last. They’d rather be un-committed than to be in a relationship to avoid the extra pressure.

2. They are afraid of rejections

As common as rejections are, many of us still fear it. People develop insecure attachments when they repeatedly have relationships that are unstable or unpredictable. And although the fear of abandonment and commitment are two different and distinct behaviours, they  still give rise to insecurity.

3. Unrealistic expections

We are creatures of habit and despite the knowledge that somethings’ are away from our reach, we create a checklist of a “perfect” person and try to acquire them. Commitment needn’t be so daunting as we make it out to be. And trying to wait for someone perfect may leave you waiting a long time. Instead, understand the needs of your partner and see how you can work around it.

4. Fear of compromising

Many of us fear relationships due to the idea of compromising. We think we become less of ourselves in doing so. But honestly, you don’t. Yes, being committed is work, but it isn’t an obligation and definitely not harmful.

I personally feel compromising is a way of letting your partner know that you’re capable of being there for them when no one is. It teaches you the art of letting go of your egoistic beliefs and creating new ones to suit a new human. And as much as we let ourselves go, we learn something new about ourselves.

5. Financial responsibility

Being single is different from being committed. You are the master of your own finances and you work just how you know to function. But being committed suddenly throws you off guard. You’re now been given to and giving advice to someone to take care of finances to not run out of it. You suddenly have to start making money decisions together, even if its just for a meal. And this can be a little daunting making commitment a lot frightening.

When I got married, I was scared too. Not because my wife would finish off the finances, but because I didn’t know her saving habits or behaviors she implemented to be financially stable. But we talked about it and put our ideas on the table for each of us to see and the next thing I know, it was sorted. It wasn’t difficult at all.

6. Being tied down

Many individuals aren’t ready for the next step. They hear warning bells when the word commitment is asked of them. And it’s a very natural instinct to be scared first. Responsibilities take time to think over. But avoiding them altogether can be damaging.

Instead, understand the reason to why a commitment is tying you down. If the fear has been triggered from what you’ve seen in the past, then talking yourself out of the nasty experience will help you come a long way. Try not to base your past experiences of your family on your future. It may be relatable, but it needn’t be true all the time.

Understanding the root cause of your commitment phobia can help you get over the fear. And the first step in doing so is to accept and reflect upon it. In doing so, all kinds of resentment and anger you may hold from the past can simply be wiped out easy.

But all you got to do is trust and accept.

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Reader Comments

    1. Thank you for your comment.

      We’re all scared of commitments because we’re unsure how things may turn out. But you’ll never know the beauty of being in love unless you choose to step out of your comfort zone and give it a try.

      So, try it out once and let us know!

  1. I definitely had commitment concerns when I was younger. Especially before my wedding. I had to make sure I was getting married for myself rather than for societal pressures of what was expected of me to enter a different stage of life. It took me a while to think through everything; but I realized it was what I wanted – he was my best friend.

    Great article!
    xo Ros | Zenhealth

    1. Firstly, Congratulations on your wedding to your best friend.
      We all go through the commitment-phobic stage and it’s very natural. But I’m glad you made peace with the thought of being committed and happy!

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